ours forever

So it's been almost a week now since the birth of Raine. He's swept us off our feet and it's been the most amazing week of my life. I never knew love could exist in such purity or that I could want to give up everything for someone in such a short time. I feel like I was made for this and that he was made for us.

When we decided it get pregnant, many things were up in the air and we had only been together about 3 and a half weeks. Something felt right and from the word go I knew I wanted to be with Chris the rest of my life. There was something about him that made me feel safe yet like anything could happen! He was as spontaneous as I was and was ready to drop everything to be with me. Proof in that we met and 5 days later me moved from Melbourne to be with me. I was amazed someone could have such capacity to love and to this day he is as filled with love as he was the first time he told me he loved me, in the light of a full moon, in a pool, nude. Something now I look back on and it's as if it was a dream. It's almost like a cheesy scripted love story you pay $12 to see at the movies and snuggle close to someone on a first date. We moved into a horrible house together and one day, after an argument about how terrible the place was, we thought, 'lets do it' and threw out all my pills and went to get some pregnancy supplements. It was a very exciting time. Then, I got my period and we had to wait. It was so irritating! Then when it was over we tried everything we could to get the little boy we now hold so dear today. After 5 weeks of trying and feeling like we were getting nowhere, negative test after negative test finally turned positive! We rushed to the Woman's and Children's hospital and were told that we were expecting twins! A week went by and I had some loss, we were terrified we had lost them, but when we went for a scan, we were told there was only one baby and that the "twin" was just some excess fluid around the sac. We were so relieved and also a little saddened that it was what it was.

My pregnancy was strange.. Looking back now there were things I wish I had known, but of course I never could, despite in my heart knowing my birth plan was going to change and that my doula wouldn't be able to attend. There was just something in the back of my mind, telling me that she wouldn't be there. It started off perfectly. Apart from me catching the flu.. I had no morning sickness and was as full of energy as could be! I took photos of my belly every week and waited eagerly for my bump to start showing. I had decided I wanted a home birth. When I was 13 I saw a baby story and there was a woman, a ballerina, who was a strong advocate of home birth and they showed her process and her birth and I fell in love. From then I knew it was what I wanted. To be home and feel that strong connection to family and my partner. It took a bit to get Chris on board, but after much research and convincing, he got on board and was by my side with it 110%. We found our amazing doula, Lisa Barrett, she was wise and kind and perfect. When she walked into the room, I felt like I could trust myself more, knowing she was there to oversee my journey and my process. Her apprentice, Hannah, was equally as amazing and proved to be a real rock for Chris. It was a match made in heaven and we were really happy with the support we got from the them.

Second trimester, the golden trimester, I felt amazing still! No sickness, no tiredness, some round ligament pain but nothing that didn't make me more excited about getting bigger. I would stare at my belly in the mirror and almost watch as it grew, continuing to take photos every week and document my journey on a blog. We found out he was a boy and we were overjoyed! A little boy! How perfect he would be. We talked endlessly about names and what he would be like. He was already perfect and my bump wasn't even big yet! I would close my eyes and try to picture his face all the time. Who would he look like? Who would he take after? Who was this little person living inside my belly, changing everything and making life an adventure?

At this time I had told my mother about my plan to home birth and she was the opposite of supportive, from the day I told her, problems began to rise up. It was very sad for me to not have the support of the person who gave birth to me and both Chris and I felt the strain. At 24 weeks pregnant, we decided to go to Japan! We only had a week to plan our 3 week trip and were feeling pretty good about it. My sister lives there and I really wanted to see her again before the baby was born and I also needed to have a break from Australia and all the people in it. It was an amazing trip and we met some lovely people and made new friends as well as finally met some people I felt like I had known for ages as they were so close to my sister.

The trip was exactly what we needed and we arrived back home refreshed and relaxed, only to be thrust into hospital because of pain from something unknown. We had not yet arrived back from Melbourne as we were planning to spend some time with Chris' family. While in hospital, the pain got worse and worse and I began to get more and more terrified. No one there would tell me anything and insisted on filling me with muscle relaxants and pain killers. It was not the med free pregnancy I had wanted and I began to get more and more sick. I was in hospital for 4 days before Lisa set me up to speak with a friend of hers, who was also a midwife in Melbourne, Melody. She was an angel, she showed up in my darkest hour, after the hospital practically beat me up and had Chris crying in the corner, watching me scream and flail with as much pain as I had fear. As soon as she stepped in the room, calm washed over me and I finally felt safe again. As soon as my pain meds wore off I checked myself out against hospital orders and went home to sit in the bath and relax. Best thing I could have done as my pain went away and I was able to relax again. My mother had come to see us in Melbourne (not doing me any favours for stress) and then a few days later we went home.

We got home and though I was not pain free I began to try and relax again. "Doula's orders!" I'd tell people and I watched my belly grow bigger and bigger. Third trimester had begun and so did my battle with painful braxton hicks and constant false labour. After my trip to Melbourne Women's hospital, I was paranoid about losing him or him coming early. I felt like it could happen any day now and whenever I got a contraction I would close my eyes and chant "not now, not yet..". It became my mantra and each week, the contractions became more and more painful. I started seeing a chiro and a masseur and it helped with my pain but the contractions kept coming. I was told my cervix was slightly open in the Woman's and from then I needed to be told at least once a week that it hadn't changed and he wasn't coming yet. The weeks went by and I grew and he grew and we both grew and grew and grew!

Enter week 37, niggles got stronger, something was happening. I texted Lisa and Hannah to let them know I felt strange. They insisted on coming over. I didn't feel like they needed to but they insisted very much so. It was bad news. They sat me down and I was told they could no longer attend my birth. Another client of theirs baby had passed away and another had checked out with her new born against the wishes of the hospital, which lead to all of Lisa and Hannah's birthing things to be seized by the police and a close eye put on them. I was heart broken, but they said they would help me find someone else. Unfortunately I was already in labour.

The next morning I woke up to strong contractions. It was raining so hard that morning that cars down the street had car alarms going off. I still had no one. Hannah sent me the number of another midwife who told them she would help me. She called me and said she would come over but she wouldn't be able to help me because the baby was breech, despite what she told Lisa. She told me she would come over when she finished her rounds for the day. Which would have been in the afternoon. My baby was breech and she was going to wait?? I didn't like the sound of that so I told her we would have to meet her at the hospital. I was scared and still in shock from the news the night before. Was this it? Was this labour? I packed my hospital bag and got ready to go. We found a park and slowly made our way to Women's Assessment. I stopped to lean on things and have contractions all the way there. They were getting bad! I laboured in the waiting room for about 20 mins before I was called in, they strapped me up with the fetal monitors, which I hated. I had a trainee midwife with freezing hands but a warm heart come in and talk to me. Then a doctor who looked like she had never had children, let alone was old enough to have sex came in and gave me a VE. I was fully effaced and 2 cms dilated. It was labour. At this time, many thoughts ran through my head. Could I go home? I couldn't, I didn't have anyone and didn't feel comfortable freebirthing with a breech baby. I was told they would try to let me have a vaginal breech birth, but the pressure was on. My labour would not be able to be long or they would have to give me an emergency section, where I wouldn't get to see my baby till he was checked out and most likely I would be under general anesthetic. I didn't want that. My last option was to have a (semi) elective section. It was the last thing I had wanted and I dreaded it more than anything. But what could I do? I didn't want to risk putting my baby under stress, and I couldn't labour, stress free, at home, so a section it was. They assured me I would get skin on skin time and it was all going to be okay. I signed my name away and Chris made some calls.

The new midwife still had not arrived and my section was scheduled for 2pm. I had a shower and Chris came back and we hugged and made jokes. 2pm came and they shaved me and gowned me and an orderly wheeled me into the theater. Chris was crying and seemed to be more scared than I was. I went in and everyone asked about my tattoos and my pregnancy and started to get me set up. Chris couldn't be in the room for my spinal block so another girl held my hand and I felt okay. They set me up on the table and hooked up the sheets so I couldn't see what was going on. Chris sat with me and as they began to operate. He was still crying and everyone in the room was trying to make him and me laugh. Areosmith came on and they told me they had a foot... I sang to Chris and waited to hear my baby. I focused all I could on trying to hear him. Then all of a sudden, there it was. He was calling out for me! I wanted to see him, I needed to see him! They had him on a cart and were cleaning him up a little before they could put him on my chest. Then when they did, I was in love, I couldn't stop staring at him, I knew they would have to take him away eventually but I didn't want them to. "Raine" I said. "Because he came with the rain." And Chris agreed. He looked like a Raine. He was pretty and had so much hair.. They left him on my chest for 10 mins while they sewed me up then whisked him off. I told Chris to go with him and stay with him no matter what. Then they said he was having trouble breathing because he wasn't 'squeezed' and had inhaled some amniotic fluid and they needed to take him to the nursery for checking out. I have never been more angry in my life. I kept asking all the way to recovery about him and I was also more thirsty than I have ever been before. I asked again and again when I could see him and then when I was feeling better they said they would take me through nursery to see him but I wouldn't be able to stay and try to feed him, but when I got there they said I had one chance. I tried. But I couldn't do it. I was too dizzy and nausiated. I was crushed as they wheeled me out and to my room.

They told me his blood sugar was low and that they couldn't send me up to see him until he had eaten. But they wouldn't let me try to feed him. That meant formula. Crushed again. Luckily Chris was the one who got to feed him. Chris then had to leave to get some things from home and I was sent to my room. I fell asleep and woke up 5 hours later, I kept asking over and over again "where is my baby?" and they kept telling me they would send him soon. I was getting more and more upset and more impatient, I called Chris and he had just parked the car and was going to bring him to me. Finally some success! I waited anxiously and stared at the door. Then, there he was! I tried to have a feed but he was still full from the formula, so I just cuddled him and stared. He was perfect. He was the face in my mind for the past 9 months. He left me breathless.

That night I couldn't sleep because I was so in love. I began to feed him and change him, even though I was meant to ask the midwives to do it. I was already up and around and it hadn't even been 12 hours since my Cesarian. I wanted to leave but I couldn't yet.

At 6am, I drifted off with my hand in his cot and woke up again at 8:30 am to a text message from an eager Chris, wanting to come back and see his baby boy. He cleaned the house and arrived at 10:30 and then we did everything we could to leave. Everyone said it was a bad idea and that I would be in pain, but I didn't care. I wanted to go home and get away from that horrible place. Have a shower, brush my teeth, my hair, walk around, watch TV and sleep in the same bed with my new family.

We arrived home after what seemed like an endless battle and jumped into bed. We all slept soundly, only to wake a few times to feed and change. The love was overflowing that night.

Since that day, I've been mad at the midwife who never showed up, the people that took my doula away from me and the people who took my son away too. But Through it all, I have the greatest gift I could have ever wanted. He's perfect and I'm in perfect love. Maybe next time I can have my home birth. But for now, I have Raine.

"I don't wanna miss a thing."